Real, raw moment coming up…
I didn’t prep this post; I didn’t spend days composing it, reading, rewriting, and organizing it. No, instead I grabbed my laptop and just began typing. This is real, raw, and live.. meaning, the moment I’m about to tell you happened just a few hours ago. It’s not the pretty side of things. It’s not an achievement, it’s not a happy moment, it’s not filled with laughter.
It’s actually quite the opposite. Yet it’s life. It’s what actually happened – no filter, no fluffing, no avoiding – it’s my raw emotions.
This weekend was a lot of “me time”, which I was actually quite thankful for. The past few weekends and months have been filled with vacations, family time, planned hangouts, and a whole lotta quality time with my squad ~ my gang ~ my tribe ~ my ladies (I could keep going on and on :)…). Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been needing all of this; however, I was looking forward to a relaxing, chill weekend to do whatever I want, whenever I want COMPLETELY! Saturday, I slept in and caught up on some much needed rest, then picked up and cleaned my apartment some, organized, watched TV and had time to read, journal, and maybe catch a quick nap. In the early evening, I pushed myself out the door, and got some fresh air. I drove to my parent’s house to grab their mail while they were away on vacation and then drove out to catch the sunset somewhere, before heading back home.
When I say “pushed myself out the door”, I literally have to force myself out of the house ~sometimes, not all the time. Even if it’s to drive a few blocks away to Publix! I know myself very well and when I have moments of feeling down, negative about something, or my mind just doesn’t seem like it’s in a right place, I know I need to take myself out of this situation and that normally manifests itself in the act of getting outside, getting sun on my face and realizing there is still life going on around me. It’s easy to ignore this cooped up inside (especially in my home that doesn’t have a ton of natural light, which I personally hate). I know this from experience, all too well. I have experienced depression to a certain extent years back and knew, even then, this is so dangerous and so unhealthy. I know the triggers that can lead me back there and I know to not feed them and give in, when sometimes it’s easy to just stay inside, stay inactive, stay still on the couch/the bed and not want to move and have no desire to do anything. I know the spiral of negativity and depressed thoughts that burrow into the mind… I’ll get into this at another time because I want to help others if I can, here, but don’t want to get too side-tracked with this post.
Sunday I woke up not feeling the greatest, physically. I rested, had personal time again reading and journaling. I then got up and left for the day with purpose and plans in mind. I checked out a local event in Largo Park where vendors were going to be for shopping – no success really, but it was nice to visit. I then drove to a new favorite local coffee shop just 10 min from my home that Katelynn told me about. It takes you away from the busyness of Starbucks and gives you a quaint, chill vibe in a privately-owned coffeehouse setting. So I ordered a breakfast sandwich, iced coffee, and planted myself on a comfortable leather couch, turned on my music (Phil Wickham, “Living Hope” album.. OBSESSED with right now), and had a date with myself, OUTSIDE of my apartment 🙂 Afterward, I quickly did my grocery shopping, dropped them off at home, changed my clothes and headed back out to the gym. After all of this, I didn’t get home until about 7:30 PM and that’s when it hit…
…I had this overwhelming feeling of loneliness. I can’t completely explain why it hit so hard tonight. I’ve had lonely nights before. I’ve even had nights where I’m not lonely, maybe because I don’t give it any attention, but tonight was different and was difficult. I cried off and on for the next few hours. And the crying was even different. It took me by surprise each time… I would stop and think I was finished, that I was fine, and then it would spring back up and would catch me off guard. It was even sobbing, not crying; when your chest caves in and collapses after you’ve just sobbed and expelled that wave of emotion and then have to quickly catch your breath before it hits you again. This is what I was experiencing. This was my unexplainable moment tonight.
I am learning to embrace and acknowledge the moments I feel, the moments I’m going through, any hurt, pain, sadness, even happiness. I’m learning how important it is to feel everything I’m experiencing and allow myself to feel it all without shame, without needing answers to the “why”. I’m also learning the balance in feeling the emotion, but not lingering too long in it so as to not stay in the state of sadness, or anger, since that can lead to much more unhealthy emotions and thinking. So tonight, I let myself cry, and I let the feeling of loneliness in and penetrate my heart, no matter how painful it was for me. I want to know what this feels like. I want to know how to get through this for the next time, I want to grow from this and I want to keep my heart open to this feeling, to these emotions so that I can learn and find happiness at the end of it. I want to simply FEEL! Feeling something is better than not feeling anything at all ~ I’ve been here before too and that’s why I need to feel something, why I welcome the emotions, why I’m thankful for being made as such an emotional being.
But I cried tonight because I’m lonely. I cried but I spoke truth to myself through it as well. The feeling hit when I plopped myself on the couch after a sort-of busy day, and I sighed… yet I felt something missing. I know why the emotions flooded in – as I dropped onto the couch, there was no one to comfort me, there was no one to just listen to my sigh and to hear the stories about my day, there was no one for me to listen to, there was no one to talk to and reality hit me hard in a split second. I can’t and won’t deny what happened. I realized that no matter how much I think I’ll enjoy a weekend all to myself (and I did enjoy it), I still want someone to come home to at the end of the day. I still want that best friend, that companion, that love for life. I’m almost 31 years old and bottom line is, I’m lonely – I don’t want to live a life by myself, with no one beside me, no one to love, no one to pour myself into, to feel loved, to feel wanted and needed as a woman, as a human being; no one to support and help; no one to carry out purpose and dreams with and explore the unknown and to just work through life with! Work through the difficulties, work through the emotions, to work and become closer through that even. This is not unrealistic. I desire this connection, this life. I want all that a life with someone brings. It’s worth it.
Life isn’t always easy. Life is work. We make decisions all the time. There will always be pain, hurt, hardships; but there is so much joy, hope and LOVE to be had as well. I started this blog to be more open and vulnerable; to be transparent for others. To encourage and help show others who may be feeling the same things as me about certain topics. I’ve said it before, but we have a tendency to only post and only talk about the happy side of life, our achievements, because it’s EASY. It’s easy to talk about this, but it’s also easy to hide the suffering and keep it inside, keep it within ourselves. I don’t want to do this. I want to step up, be brave, and show courage by exposing the real, raw moments like tonight.
People may laugh, people may roll their eyes at this, but if you’re reading this and you’re doing that, if you’re telling me to get over it, to stop crying, then you need to stop. Don’t ever diminish someone else’s experiences and feelings. I’ve been silenced, I’ve been shamed, but I’m not allowing that anymore. Everyone at some point has felt lonely. Humans were designed and created for connection, for belonging. Maybe you’ve been married or are with someone for so long that you’ve forgotten what it feels like to experience loneliness. Don’t discount anyone’s feelings just because you’re not in the same season of life – you were once, so show compassion. Instead of rolling your eyes, be there for someone who is going through this. Keep them company when you can. Listen to them, be available for someone to just talk to you. It might not always be the same for them and might not fill that void of someone that they want to have next to them all the time, through every part of life, but a friend is better than no one at all. A genuine friend.
Life is beautiful and after all the crying I still have hope and joy. And I still have all my love stored up. As I’m speaking on being raw, I thought it would be good to post a raw pic. While other posts and social media finds me with makeup, the good angle, cute clothes, whatever… here is me at the end of the day and after crying. I’m tired, my eyes are puffy from crying, no makeup, unfiltered, hair half dry/half wet…
Goodnight friends. Thank you for listening and reading. Thank you for being with me in my real moments.
“For God alone, o my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from Him. He, only, is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken… Trust in Him at all times; Pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.”Psalm 62: 5-8
“…Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.”Psalm 30:5
“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.”Romans 12:12